No Means Marcus
a sketchINT. SPORTS BAR — DAY
KYLE and KEVIN, 30s, beers, a game on. Kevin scrolls his phone.
Kevin
Did you see this? Some girl’s accusing Brad.
Kyle
Oh my God. Come on. What was she wearing?
Kevin
Right?
Kyle
Did she even protest? Like really protest? How was he supposed to know?
Kevin
If she didn’t want it, she should’ve been more careful. That’s all I’m saying.
Kyle
Personal responsibility.
They clink.
SMASH CUT TO:
COMMERCIAL
Soft piano. Warm light.
Announcer (V.O.)
Are you tired of victim-blaming advice that doesn’t produce real results? Tired of doing everything right and still being told you were in the wrong?
JESS, late 20s, in a modest turtleneck, keys between her fingers, looks to camera and shrugs.
Announcer (V.O.) (cont’d)
You need Marcus.
MARCUS steps into frame: six-four, suit, the calmest face you’ve ever seen.
Announcer (V.O.) (cont’d)
Here at No Means Marcus, nothing ever crosses the line.
INT. NIGHTCLUB — NIGHT
Jess dancing with friends, a little drunk, having a great time. She winces, shifts off one heel. Without looking, Marcus produces flip-flops from inside his jacket.
Jess
(near tears)
Marcus.
Marcus
I know.
Announcer (V.O.)
Marcus has a down coat in the car. Marcus has your charger. Marcus knows your angles.
Marcus crouches, photographing Jess and her friends. Checks it. Shakes his head.
Marcus
One more. Sarah, you blinked.
He checks again. Nods. Shows them. The friends SCREAM with joy.
Announcer (V.O.)
Marcus has a calico cat named Clementine. And yes, he can show you photos.
Marcus swipes on his phone. The friends scream LOUDER than they did for their own picture.
Announcer (V.O.) (cont’d)
Marcus texts the group chat so you don’t have to.
BACK TO:
INT. SPORTS BAR — DAY
Kevin
So how’d your night go? The girl from the club?
Kyle
(dark)
It was all going so well.
INT. NIGHTCLUB — NIGHT (KYLE’S VERSION)
Same club. Kyle at the bar, watching Jess like a nature documentary.
Kyle (V.O.)
She was with her friends. She was a little drunk. So I’m like, great, have another.
Kyle holds out a shot. A large hand intercepts it and replaces it with a water.
Marcus
That was her third. Hydrate.
Kyle (V.O.)
Then she goes to the bathroom. So I say, hey, I can hold your drink. Maybe top it off.
Kyle reaches for her glass. Marcus is already holding it.
Marcus
I hold the drinks.
BACK TO BAR:
Kevin
You couldn’t even get another drink in her?
Kyle
He never put it down, Kevin. Not once. He danced with it.
Kevin
Okay, but you went back to her place. Just the two of you. That’s a done deal.
Kyle
You would think.
INT. JESS’S APARTMENT — NIGHT
Marcus at the door.
Marcus
Goodnight, ma’am.
He leaves. The door clicks. Kyle smiles a smile nobody should smile. He dims the lights. The door opens. Marcus, with his own key.
Marcus (cont’d)
Parking was a nightmare.
He sits in the armchair, four feet away, and opens a paperback.
Kyle
Is he… staying?
Jess
Marcus? Yeah, the whole time.
Long pause.
Kyle
You know what, I feel sick.
Jess
Oh no! Feel better!
He’s already gone. Jess shrugs, grabs the remote. Marcus doesn’t look up from his book.
BACK TO BAR:
Kevin
You left? Just the two of you in her apartment, that’s a done deal!
Kyle
It wasn’t the two of us! What was I gonna do?
Kevin
Dude, you’re so much stronger than her.
Kyle
Yeah, but Marcus is so much stronger than me!
Kevin
What did he do?
Kyle
Nothing! He read a book! But Kevin, do you know what it’s like being in a room with a guy that size? Who could do whatever he wanted and you couldn’t stop him?
Kevin
No.
Kyle
It’s terrifying. You can’t relax. You’re just sitting there doing math the whole time. Nobody should have to feel like that on a date.
Neither of them hears it.
Kevin
Honestly, man. Did you even check if she had a Marcus?
Kyle
How was I supposed to know?
Kevin
I’m just saying. You gotta be more careful.
Kyle
I know. That’s on me.
END CARD
Soft piano. Marcus, arms folded, smiling warmly.
Announcer (V.O.)
No Means Marcus. All for the low, low price of $340,000 a year. A solution for every woman, everywhere.
(fast, quiet)
Flip-flops sold separately. For workplace coverage, ask about our Office Stenographer.
TAG
Marcus at home in sweatpants, Clementine on his chest, typing: “She’s home safe.”
BLACK.
With apologies to Chappelle’s Show’s Home Stenographer, the original witness-for-hire.